~ Assault On Fort Miller '08 ~

As promised, here is the truth and nothing but the truth about what happened at the Shootout at Ft. Miller in April.

As usual the wagons were circled or squared or rectangled, hell we parked the damn things and began unpacking.  This being a Freegrazer camp site, two things were given much deliberation and consideration prior to it being set up.  I refer to the kitchen and of course the bar, I am not sure but I believe Percy Hallen, otherwise known as Numero Uno, consulted with the Farmers Almanac before he gave final approval to the kitchen site.  Jasper Kirby was a hell of lot more concerned as to the location of the bar, I could tell Jasper Kirby was getting impatient, seeings how he had not had a drink in an hour or so.  But all was right with the world again once he gulped down his beer.  Querida, tries to bring woman’s logic into the set-up but usually goes along with whatever is decided, things seem to go better now that she has stopped trying to put table clothes and flowers on the tables.  The boys have gotten use to Querida being around, or as Numero Uno puts it packen squaw.  As he often says, she is a whole bunch easier on the eyes than the rest of the crew.

We had some cowboys new to Freegrazing, Hay Guy, Salinas Cowboy, and Rusty Reflexes that had not really been Freegrazing before so they had to be edumacated by Numero Uno and his flunky, I mean his SECOND IN COMMAND, Jasper.  Of course Percy Hallen would get all philosophical, talking about “the Freegrazer way of life”, and “Freegrazer code of conduct”.  He would refer to a Freegrazer motto of “No cowboy who walks into camp with a dumb look on his face walks away hungry”.  But, I kind-a-like Jaspers favorite motto, “Never buy whiskey if your Pard has some.”  And so it went that the newbies were edumacated, in Freegazer lore and mythology.  They took to it like ducks to water, they immediately began to drinking like they had teenager livers. 

I believe it were the second night, it were mighty COLD sitten around the old campfire. You see, Outlaw Jim did not start the campfire, cus he fearful that once he got drunk, (again), he might fall in again, how the hell do you think he lost all his hair, it weren’t from being scalped.  Anyway we were fortunate, we all had libations to warm our innards.  Oh I am sorry L-I-B-A-T-I-O-N-S, for the unedumacated, it means to have a drink, got it Moncton!  Yeah, I know, _uck you right back.   Anyway some of us had done some shooten in the side matches and were now either bragging,  lying, or blaming someone or something for how bad we did.  Naturally, unsavory jokes were being told around the imaginary camp fire, but they all seemed to have a theme, sheep.  Now Salinas Cowboy is an honest to goodness real Cowboy.  But I got to say he is also a real sensitive type of feller, for those that don’t know it.  You see he felt I took liberties in my writings when I wrote the truth and nuthin but the truth about our trip to John Wayne last year.  So I am going to be extree careful about what I write this time. I am not one cast asparagus on another mans character, no sir, and what goes on behind closed doors aint none of my business, it just aint.  Cuss, you know me I sure don’t want to offend anyone.  So let me go on, poor old Rusty Reflexes had slept the night before in the bed of his cold buckboard, Salinas Cowboy  must have felt sorry for him, cus with that one eye closed he looked over at Rusty and offered to let him sleep with him; in his nice warm trailer.  Hell boys that got my attention right quick.   Now Hay Guy, who was also solo, looked crestfallen, kind-a-like a pup looks when someone makes off with their favorite toy.  I looked over at Jasper and I know he has a great big buffalo robe to keep him warm on cold nights, besides he packs Gertie the inflatable squaw so he was not bothered at all.  Percy well once he takes his pills nuthin bothers him, and Outlaw Jim well has his dog PJ, to keep him warm.  So it was that Rusty moved in with Salinas.  Hey now just wait a minute, Salinas has a real nice wagon with TWO beds.  But come morning Rusty did look a little sheepish, and Salinas was scratchen the ground like an old barnyard rooster.  He said he had something on the bottoms of his boots, maybe there had been a lot of bullshit being flung around the night before.   Yeah right.

I will not bore you with a bunch of details but the shooten was fun if you could.  Jim and I were not happy campers because we both had rifles that decided this was the perfect time to stop working.  I had major problems but they paled in comparison with Outlaw Jim’s.   He shot more gun parts down range than he did lead.  The rest of the crew seemed to be having a good time, though Numero Uno was trying to convince Jasper that they should beat the hell out of some 11 year old girl, who was whooping the hell out of both of them. 

As always it’s after the shooten irons are put away that the fun really starts, particularly if it’s a Freegrazer camp.  As I mentioned earlier the newbees, took to Freegrazering like a pup to his mother’s tit.  To say brains cells were destroyed is an understatement, hell the following morning pert near all of them were wearing those little helmets Jerry’s kids wear.  A big pot of BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS, helped them that needed it.  Some of the boys were still pondering the mystery of the black thong women’s underwear that somehow ended up inside Jaspers wagon.  Oh did I not mention that little story, ah hell some other day I’ll do a complete expose on that little story.

Hay Guy and I shot the Mother of All Plainsman event.  Outlaw Jim tried but his troubles just kept multiplying, he was chased off when he had an A/D.  I’ll bet a whole boat load of drunken sailors could not match the colorful language emanating from Jim’s pie hole.   Anyway, getting back to the stage; I watched as Fanny Mostly, had one dead round after another.  Now I’ll tell you true, I got more than a bit concerned, you see the same feller that loaded Fanny’s non-firing rounds loaded mine.   But then the shooting Gods smiled and decided to mess with a brother of mine, named Darrell, other wise known as Middletown Marshall.  He went and gotten himself staged D/Qed.   Now being a good Freegrazer and Darrell, I might add, I saw an opportunity.  Now some of you, might not think it sporting, but I went over to my down hearted friend and said Brother Darrell, it seems to me you got a whole bunch of rounds you ain’t gonna shoot, might as well hand them over.  Being a good Freegrazer and Darrell he handed over a bag full of 45-70 rounds and said go get’em Brother Darrell.  I ain’t one to brag but I kicked some butt, unfortunately I was cheated out of my just due.  Anyway that’s my story and I am sticking to it. 

Querida sold raffle tickets, and handed out flyers for Adobe Walls.  She is hopeful it will pay off and we will get some more non-club members for our Annual.  The crew had bought a whole bunch of raffle tickets each hoping to win the huge gun safe that was up for grabs.  Salinas was selling space on his wagon should anyone win it.  But the only thing they came home with was dead brains cells.  Ok, Ok it seems some did well, a few of them came home with wood.  Querida took 2^nd , in Ladies 49er, and 1^st in Ladies Speed Shotgun.  Salinas Cowboy stole a 2^nd , in Modern, Rusty Reflexes took 1^st in Long Range Smokeless.  And will wonders never cease Jasper Kirby, somehow managed to take 3^rd place Duelist.  So there you are, all you ever wanted to know about Fort Miller and maybe some things you may wish you didn’t know.

As always the “Purveyor of Truth”

Tres Pinos

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